This is the fruitcake of our affliction, which our ancestors baked 400 years ago.All who are in need, come and celebrate Xmas with us. All who are hungry, come and partake of this 400-year-old fruitcake, as it

is written, "Let them eat cake!" This year we watch football in the living room, next year may the Super Bowl come to our city! Some have the minhag to place the gift-wrapped presents under the tree so that they will pique the curiosity of the children so that they will ask the four essential questions:

How come I have presents and Santa Claus didn't come yet?

Why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway?

How much is that gorilla in the window?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

We were slaves to our employers, working seven days a week with no benefits, and then the unions were organized, and decreed a five-day workweek and many holidays in the end of the year. Now if the unions had not gotten their act together, then we, and our sons, and even our grandsons, would still have to work on Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Xmas, and New Years. But our daughters and granddaughters still await their salvation.

The 4 Sons
There are four types of children who ask questions on Xmas: the wise one, the bad one, the simple one, and the one who does not know to ask. What does the wise one ask? I don't know; I couldn't understand him either. Him you must send to a school for gifted children. What does the bad one ask? He says, "What is this holiday to you?"

Because he excludes himself from the community, you must exclude him from your table, and he will go back to his employer and get paid double-time and a half for working on Xmas day.

What does the simple one ask? He simply asks, "What is this?" You will say to him, "This is dinner."

As for the one who does not know to ask, you must go to his room, wake him up and say, "Next year, remember to come to the table!"

Dayenu

If we would have a beautiful tree, but not have stockings hanging from the fireplace, it would have been enough.

If we would have stockings hanging from the fireplace, but not get today off from work, it would have been enough.

If we would get today off from work, and not get off on Erev Xmas as well, it would have been enough.

If we would get off on Erev Xmas as well, but not get presents, it would have been enough.

If we would get presents, but not a delicious dinner, it would have been enough.

If we would have a delicious dinner and no dessert, it would have been enough.

If we would have dessert, but not watch the football game, it would have been enough.

If we would watch the football game, but not see our team win, it would have been enough.

If we would see our team win, and have a hangover the next morning, it would have been enough.

(Pick up the eggnog and say:) But we do have a beautiful tree, and we have stockings hanging from the fireplace, and we got today off from work, and

we got off on Erev Xmas as well, and we got presents, a delicious dinner, and dessert, and we watched the football game, and saw

our team win, and so we will now toast our team, and pray that we do not get a hangover tomorrow morning: "Yay team!"

Next year is Purim!

 

———-

Zmiros

Who knows one?

I know one!

One is a partridge in a pear tree.

Who knows two?

I know two!

Two are the turtledoves, and

One is a partridge in a pear tree.

Who knows three?

I know three!

Three are the french hens!

Two are the turtledoves, and

One is a partridge in a pear tree.

Who knows four? I know four! Four are the calling birds! …

Who knows five? I know five! Five are the gold rings! …

Who knows six? I know six! Six are the geese a-laying! …

Who knows seven? I know seven! Seven are the swans a-swimming! …

Who knows eight? I know eight! Eight are the maids a-milking! …

Who knows nine? I know nine! Nine are the drummers drumming! …

Who knows ten? I know ten! Ten are the pipers piping! …

Who knows eleven! I know eleven! Eleven are the ladies dancing! …

Who knows twelve?

I know twelve!

Twelve are the lords a-leaping!

Eleven are the ladies dancing

Ten are the pipers piping

Nine are the drummers drumming

Eight are the maids a-milking

Seven are the swans a-swimming

Six are the geese a-laying

Five are the gold rings

Four are the calling birds

Three are the french hens

Two are the turtle doves and

One is a partridge in a pear tree.

 

———-
Chad Gadya

One little reindeer, one little reindeer,

My father bought for two zuzim.

One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

Then came a cat and ate the reindeer

My father bought for two zuzim.

One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

Then came a dog and bit the cat,

That ate the reindeer,

My father bought for two zuzim.

One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

Then came a stick and beat the dog,

That bit the cat that ate the reindeer

My father bought for two zuzim.

One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

Then came a fire and burned the stick, …

Then came the water and quenched the fire, …

Then came an ox and drank the water, …

Then came a shochet and slaughtered the ox, …

Then came the angel of death and killed the shochet, …

Then came the Blessed Holy One and slew the angel of death,

That killed the shochet that slaughtered the ox

That drank the water that quenched the fire

That burned the stick that beat the dog

That bit the cat that ate the reindeer

My father bought for two zuzim.

One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

Please note: We hope that our readers understand that as a religious holiday, Christmas is totally incompatible with Judaism, and the very thought of it being a Jewish holiday is ludicrous. Therefore, we have avoided all references to the religious aspects of the holiday, and tried to focus only on those aspects which have pervaded American culture. Our intention has been to provide a good-natured, humorous parody, to use those cultural aspects of Christmas to illustrate some of the methodology and details of Jewish law. It is a very fine line we are treading, but we hope that we have insulted neither the Torah, nor our Christian friends.

We'd love to hear your comments, complaints, and suggestions. Please send them to KennethGMiller@juno.com or I.Miller@erols.com

ã 1998 Akiva and Ilene Miller.

Permission is granted to copy and recirculate, but only for free, and only if we get the credit (or blame!)<<<

While we are happy to share our parody with you, please check out the original version at the link below.

http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Ridge/6661/other/xmas.html