Hollywood Strikes Back at MEL

"…Gibson reluctantly took out a scene in which Caiaphas, a Jewish high priest, says of Christ, "His blood be on us, and on our children." The passage, from the Gospel of Matthew, has been interpreted by some as implicating the Jewish people in Jesus' Crucifixion.

"I wanted it in," Gibson tells Boyer. "But, man, if I included that in there, they'd be coming after me at my house, they'd come kill me."

                                                           –New York Daily News, Sept. 6, 2003

Minutes from the Elders of Zion Quarterly Meeting, Hollywood Office

Passover Eve, 14 Nissan 5764 (April 5, 2004)

First of all, let me say that it was a beautiful ceremony. I only wish that L. B. Mayer and Lew Wasserman had been alive to see it. I also wish we could have done it on the MGM lot with extras, wardrobe, and proper lighting. It would have made Jesus Christ Superstar look like Ishtar. But, since we were, after all, committing ritual murder, it had to be done in an undisclosed location.

I also want to thank Mort Zuckerman who catered the affair. Friends, there are Hollywood Jews and then there are Hollywood Jews. I’ve known Morty for 40 years and he’s a class act, a real mensch.  It was quite a spread. We had bagels, lox, and a kugel like my mother used to make—she should only have lived to see Mel Gibson crucified.

We chose a nice spot in the Hollywood Hills, not far from the sign. Steven Spielberg directed; Joel Silver produced; Charlie Kaufman wrote the script. Ben Stiller and Sarah Jessica Parker hosted.

Everything was very nice until Ovitz started complaining about the cross.

“The wood looks cheap. Is this pine? I thought we wanted something glitzy that would light up. Las Vegas style.”

Darren Aronofsky—the brilliant kid who directed Pi and Requiem For a Dream— had designed the cross, and he got very defensive. “This is cedar of Lebanon. You can’t buy a better piece of wood. And this is a faithful rendition of the original cross. Do you want some Hollywood-ish cross, or an authentic timepiece?”

After we ate, the issue of torture came up. I was in favor, but you know the younger generation, with their PETA and Amnesty International. We compromised and had the Weinstein brothers take turns sitting on him.

Then Adam Sandler did Lenny Bruce’s famous bit on Jesus: “A lot of people say to me, ‘Why did you kill Christ?’ ‘I dunno … it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know. We killed him because he didn't want to become a doctor, that's why we killed him.’” We were all in stitches. Even Mel laughed.

Then Barbara sang. She started with “Send in the Clowns” and finished off with “The Way We Were.” Tears. That’s how beautiful it was. Even Mel cried.

And you should have seen little Natalie Portman. What a number she did. Who knew she could tap-dance?

There was a little confusion about the nailing. Michael Eisner was supposed to bring the nails. He asked Jeffrey Katzenberg to do it, and Jeff forgot. In the end we had to use Sarah Silverman’s earrings. Paul Newman did the nailing, which was a great honor and also a mitzvah. Some argued that a half-Jew shouldn’t receive such nachas.  But I said that a man who was nominated for 10 Academy Awards, whose total box office gross is over $1 billion and counting, and who did such a beautiful job playing Ari Ben Canaan in Exodus deserved it as much as anyone. Besides, being only half Jewish he would at least be a little handy.

When he died, there wasn’t a dry eye on the hill. Everyone was moved. I think it was better than Spartacus. Someone said our sequel would be bigger than the original, but I wouldn’t go that far. One thing you learn in this business is to watch out for hubris before the box office gods.