Kids these days, they’re all about the fashion, the style, the “bling.” Everyone scrambles for the new black, the new skinny tie, the new “it” girl.

My friends have been sucked in by a fad that has pretty much entrenched itself as the new “mitosis.” Budding was popular for a good long time, but there’s a newer, cooler form of reproduction. The fashion police call it “birth.”

There have been several objective studies clearly reflecting my non-cool status. Perhaps this is why I’m so far behind my friends in this new birth thing, which they further accessorize with “babies.” Seems like you ain’t cool if don’t got some kids. With your wife, it goes without saying. Out-of-wedlock children are a horrible faux pas. If you’re like me, and careful not to leap into the new trend without looking where you land, you find yourself without a conversation topic at dinners, parties, circumcisions.

“My little Shimmy is so cute! Look at those cheeks, you could pinch them for days! Do you have children?”
“Um, actually no, I just got married last year.”
“Oh. Excuse me, I can’t be seen talking to you. Reuven, come here and pinch my Shimmy’s cheeks!”
[And at these parties, drinking heavily is frowned-upon.]

For those of us in the back end of the fashion bell curve, there are ways to get back into the hippest play dates, even if you don’t yet have a child, or even a spouse:

1) Lie. Just say your spouse is in the back bedroom, nursing your little Rachel. (Especially ballsy if you’re not married. The single individual who can imagine an entire fake family is truly a person to be reckoned with.)

2) Obsess over your friends’ kids. Not the best alternative, however, if your friend’s children look a little too much like you. (This is not to advocate adultery. But, if you do happen to enjoy a romp in your neighbor’s yard, be sure to avoid spending too much time with your/his kid.)

3) Talk the talk. Different from #2, in that the level of commitment is lower. For this choice, you only need to speak the language of childcare, accessorizing, nursing, infant behavior modification, and formula: does it make babies stutter?

For most of us, #3 is the safest bet. After some serious trial and error, and free babysitting for those of my friends well ahead of me on the lifecycle, I have come up with some helpful hints to help those of you who aren’t so sure this whole “procreation” thing is going to last any longer than acid-wash jeans and leotards.

• Babies are different from “babes.” Call your friend’s little girl a “babe,” and you will be shot. Thanks for avoiding my vital organs, Avi!

• Try not to drop the baby. “Bouncing baby boy” is just an expression. A cruel, misleading expression.

• Babies under the age of 8 months or so can’t talk. They also cannot understand English, Chinese, or any other major language. Therefore, it’s best not to wait until they ask for a specific food before feeding them.

• The popular phrase “sleep like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it does. It means sleeping soundly for a scant couple of hours, then waking up with soiled underwears, and screaming bloody murder. So when sleeping habits come up at Shabbos dinner, and the new parents complain about their child not sleeping through the night, don’t mock their newborn for not following the well-known maxim. It may cause these nice people to burst into tears, before the new daddy punches you in the stomach. A side note- just because you can’t see the blood when you bleed internally, doesn’t mean it’s less painful, or less harmful.

• If a baby is very good looking, you can say that you “just want to eat her up!” If you bring a fork and knife to a first birthday party, and start spicing the birthday girl with thyme, oregano, and a paprika rub, that would be crossing the line. But baby sneezes are so cute!

• Babies are not toilet trained. DO NOT try to house-break a baby in the same way one would with, say, a golden retriever.

• If you host a party with people who bring their children, don’t bother trying to babyproof your home or apartment. You may wrap foam rubber around your coffee table, cover all the outlets, tape the cabinets shut, and nail the lamps to the floor, but at least one baby will find the stripped wire behind your bookcase in your bedroom, even though you locked the bedroom door. Babies can’t talk, some can’t walk, they have poor fine motor skills, but they all share one thing- an almost overpowering death wish.

• Babies LOVE bottles. Unless you’re passive-aggressively encouraging alcoholism, keep them away from your liquor cabinet.

• Nipples are a surprisingly safe topic with new parents, but remember- these are rubber nipples, at the ends of bottles.

• “Spitting up” is a euphemism for vomiting. When noting that your friend’s daughter seems to spit up after every feeding, try not to use the words “bulimia,” or “purging.”

• Pooping is a popular topic. It is only before toilet-training that one’s feces may be talked about among mixed company. Talk all you want about your child’s defecation- go on, and on, and on, and on. Mention how you like to like to mold your own dookies into busts of our nation’s most popular economists, and conversation will shudder to a halt faster than you can say “corprophilia.”

• Adults, especially men, enjoy talking about their “rides,” or their automobiles. With the baby trend has come a new hip transport- strollers. Three wheels, four-wheeled IUFs (Infant Utility Vehicles), with more features than you can shake a stick at. And a reversal has occurred, one that has the feminist movement toasting another broken stereotype- it is now the women who commiserate over the strollers. Tossing around jargon like “wheelbase,” “chassis strength,” and “seatbelts,” these newly-empowered womyn are taking a firm step into what was once a “men only” area. Certainly, if one is trying to make it through a stroller discussion, one can refer to safety factors, storage space, and all-weather traction. More detailed guidance is unavailable from this writer, however, due to his complete lack of interest in the issue.

First it was celebrities, then the wealthy, and now even your neighbors and friends are getting into babies. This fad has legs, though, more so than even the pet rock. There seems to be some deep need addressed by procreation, one that can’t be assuaged through clothes, shoes, even a really good foot massage. I’m going out now to get one for myself- I hear there’s a nine-month wait. Sure, I can’t afford it, but what’s money when it comes to keeping up with the Kirschenbaums? As the new ghetto slang goes, “You ain’t tight if you ain’t got a shorty.”