Phrase statements as questions. Instead of telling Ida she looks gorgeous, ask her, "How stunning do you have to look?"


2. Instead of answering questions definitely, answer with another question. When someone asks how you feel, answer, "How should I feel?"

3. Whenever possible, end questions with "or what?" This allows the other person to interject another question: "Has she grown up, or what?"; "Can you remember when she was just a baby, or what?"

4. Begin questions with "What?" Example: "What, my kishka's not good enough for you?"

5. Drop last word in sentence (which is typically a direct or indirect object): "What, do you want to get killed going alone? Ira will go with" (drop "you").

6. Move subject to end of sentences: "Is SHE getting heavy, that Esther?"

7. Use "that" as a modifier to infer contempt: "Is Esther still dating that Norman fellow?"

8. Use "lovely" to describe actions taken by someone else that the listener should have done too: "We got a lovely note from the Rabinowitzes for hosting Seder." (Translation: "What, you didn't eat charosis and drink Manichevitz?")


Vocabulary
Just as the Eskimos have 27 words for snow, Jews have 31 words for neurotic.
Only those fluent in Hebonics will sense when to call someone mashugana, ts'mished, furdrehet, hot nisht ein kaup, or vaist nisht vus ehr reht. Here are a few words to get you started.

1. "Sch–", as a prefix to anything, suggests disapproval: "Cadillac schmadillac, you're suddenly too good for the Lincoln?"

2. Learning to pronounce "sch" properly is the first step in speaking Hebonics like a real Jew. Nothing makes us giggle harder than the sound of Gentiles say, "It's not raining, just spritzing." It's the same "ssshhh" sound as the prompt to be quiet.

3. Schmuck–Most commonly used as "jerk", but can also be used as a "sucker," as in , "Why am I always the schmuck who gets left with the check?"

4. Schmoe–See schmuck.

5. Schmata–Rag, as in, "Why does she wear those schmatas, that Esther?"

6. Schmaltz–Literally means chicken fat, but when used in conversation it's sappy or corny. "The movie was OK, but why such a schmaltzy ending?"