"Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has cancelled his visit to the United States to meet with President Bush. You see that's when you know that the situation in the Middle East is bad, when the Israelis are worried that being seen with us will hurt their situation with the Arabs." —Jay Leno

"Positive news from President Bush: Both sides of the Middle East are signing off on his road map to peace. The bad news is the Israelis think the road goes through the West Bank, Palestinians think it goes right through downtown Jerusalem." —Jay Leno

"An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself." —Jay Leno

"I thought this was kind of a breakthrough. Yasser Arafat says he likes George Bush's idea of a brand new Palestinian election, as long as they count the ballots in Florida." —David Letterman

"Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon arrived in Washington Sunday night to give President Bush a 91-page book proving that Yasser Arafat funded terrorists. White House sources say that President Bush has the book and is almost done coloring it." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Yesterday, Yasser Arafat was finally able to leave his compound. And what an emotional scene — on the way out high-fiving all those suicide bombers." —David Letterman

"In an interview, Yasser Arafat's wife, this hypocrite, she lives in Paris by the way. She said she would gladly sacrifice her son for the Palestinian cause if she had one. She also said she would gladly become a suicide bomber herself, except she's allergic to dynamite. 'If it wasn't for that, I would gladly do it instead of shopping here in Paris.'" —Jay Leno

"The Democrats said today that if they were in power they could get Israel to pull out of Palestine. Oh shut up. They couldn't even get Bill to pull out of Monica." —Jay Leno

"After weeks of pleading from the United States, on Saturday Yasser Arafat finally condemned violence and terrorism in the Middle East. Nothing like a tank coming through your front door to make you change your mind." —Jay Leno

"Colin Powell's (Middle East) mission was somewhat a success. He came back alive." —Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Colin Powell turned down an offer from former president Jimmy Carter to get involved in the Mideast peace process. However, he did ask Carter to build a shed in his back yard." —Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, for the first time, Yasser Arafat issued a statement in Arabic condemning terrorism. U.S. officials say the statement is a step in the right direction except for the last line which translates into 'wink, wink.'" —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"President Bush is working very hard on the Mideast problem. According to a White House aide, President Bush's speech this week on the Middle East conflict went through seventeen different drafts. Which is actually good because the first draft started out 'Dear Bad Guys.'" —Conan O'Brien

"Yasser Arafat is sleeping on the floor in his office with his closest aides. He is the first leader to do that since Clinton." —Jay Leno

"Egypt now says they will no longer recognize Israel. Well of course they don't recognize Israel, people keep blowing it up." —Jay Leno