More Funny Laws of Pesach

Those people who normally wear braces while consuming chometzdike
food, must have their braces kashered for Pesach. The preferred method
is that of Libun (fire), which can be accomplished by crinkling your
lips up to expose your teeth and then running a blow torch along the
entire length of your braces.  Some authorities are meikel (lenient)
and permit kashering of braces by dunking your open mouth into a bowl
of scalding hot water.

2. Digestive System

While most people put all their efforts into ridding their homes and
cars of chometz, there is one place even more personal that is
traditionally neglected during bedikas chometz (searching for the
chometz) – your very own digestive system, including stomach, small
intestine and large intestine (colon). Those who have consumed chometz
during the 24-hour period prior to biyur chometz (the time for
destroying chometz) must spend the proper time in the bathroom to
allow the elimination of any residual chometz from their bodies.  Some
halachik authorities also require the use of a laxative to assist in
the elimination process.

Note: Some laxatives are chometz and may not be used Erev Pesach.
Please consult your local rabbinical authority for which laxatives may
be used.

3. Gebruchts

Boruch Hashem, many of us are very careful not put any non-solid food
on our matzoh, lest the liquid combine with any unbaked flour and
become chometz. But what about our saliva and digestive juices?
Saliva contains water and could very well cause problems of gebruchts.
 Until recently, it was felt that this problem was insurmountable, and
thus, many poskim (halachik authorities) were meikel (linient) on this
issue.  But it has come to my attention that it is common practice for
drug dealers to smuggle their drugs inside a human courier, by having
the person ingest the drugs inside a small rubber balloon.  It would
appear that this is also a perfect method for eating matzoh without
worrying about the possibility of gebruchts.  So this year, one should
try to be machmir (strict) and put all matzoh in small rubber balloons
before swallowing it.  Upon further reflection, it has occurred to me
that this is the way Jewish people must have eaten their matzoh in the
desert.

4. Shiur of Matzoh (amount)

As you may be aware, the issue of shiurim (requisite amounts) is one
that has been discussed at length.  This year, I decided to reexamine
the whole issue in the hopes of settling it conclusively, using my own
opinion, and I was astonished by what I found.  As you know, we are
all required to eat a "kezayis"(the bulk of an olive) of matzoh.  But
how much is a "kezayis"?  Obviously olives in the time of the Torah
were not the size of today's puny olives!  To determine the exact size
of Torah olives,  I went to the Posuk (verse)"Eretz Chitoh Oo'Si'oroh
V'Gefen Oo'Si'einoh V'Reemon,  Eretz Zais Shemen Oo'dvash."
(Dueteronomy 8:8) It occurred to me that this posuk lists the seven
species IN SIZE ORDER!  The posuk starts with the tiny grains are
wheat and oats, continues with the slightly larger grape, and then the
even larger fig, whatever that is.  Thus, the size of an olive comes
out to be somewhere between that of a pomegranate and that of a large
jar of honey.  Being that eating matzoh is a torah commandment, we
must be machmir (strict) and use the size of the jar of honey.  After
checking with officials at the Golden Blossom company, it turns out
that the largest jar of honey sold commercially is 32 oz.  So, by
taking into account the amount of flour that fits into a 32 oz. jar,
we come up with the proper amount as being 4.7 round matzohs, or 6.4
square matzohs.  Please remember that this matzoh must be consumed
within the allowed time of 5 minutes!

Note: There are many brands of Shmureh Matzoh, on the market but I
can't endorse the kashrus of any of them.  People who are serious
about shmiras ha'mitzvos should purchase Shmureh Matzoh only from my
brother-in-law, Yonkie.  Yonkie's Yiddishe Matzohs are BOTH hand AND
machine made – l'chol ha'dayos – and are Glatt Kosher l'mehadrin min
hamehadrin min hamehadin.  Prices start at tzvontzik tullar a pound,
which, for those of you who don't speak yiddish, translates to $80
a pound.

5. Water

Water contains many microorganisms (including copeds) which, according
to many     authorities, fall under the category are those types of
organisms prohibited by the torah.  While this does not present a
specific problem for Pesach, it can be a problem all year round.  I
recommend using micro-bodek bottled water – guaranteed organism-free.

6. Soda

In addition to the problem of water containing microorganisms (see
#5), soda has the  additional problem of containing bubbles, thus
creating the possibility  that it will be confused with beer, which
is, of course, chometz.  Some rabbonim permit the use of soda on
Peisach, though I personally wouldn't eat in any of their homes. On
the subject of soda, let me quote an excerpt from a reliable source:
"While use of soda and other carbonated beverages are permitted on
Pesach, it is nonetheless desired to refrain from drinking them. In
fact, it is generally desired to refrain from ALL forms of permissible
activity throughout the year, lest halachah not be seen as
sufficiently burdensome and unpleasant."  It would also seem to me
that such a prohibition would extend to any food that could possibly
be confused with a chometzdike item, not to mention all the those
products that are "Pesachdik" versions of things that a Jew would not
even think about eating on Pesach, such as "Pesach" noodles, "Pesach"
pancake mix, and "Pesach" muffins. Such products should be
scrupulously avoided! As to whether such products can be fed to dog on
Pesach, consult your local halachik authority.

This concludes our issues for Pesach.  Please look for upcoming
halachah bulletin's dealing with following issues: