Local Stern Girl Knows Neither Evan Nor Jaron

NEW YORK – Last Thursday, a young Stern girl named Shana admitted to the inconceivable: knowing neither Evan nor Jaron Lowenstein of Evan and Jaron fame. "I was just amazed that so many people knew them. I felt like such a loser not knowing them personally." But Shana waited a long time until she felt comfortable admitting this in public. The horrible truth was bottled up inside her for quite some time. "The truth is that I haven’t known them for a long time and every time they came up in conversation, I would just shake my head a lot -as if I knew them when they were just two hunky guys playing "Acheinu".

 

Shana’s parents were appalled to find out of her public admittance. "Every kid knows them personally. Why couldn’t our child go along with the others and just pretend? Do you know how bad this makes my wife and I look? I no longer have the respect of my friends or gabbaim." The pain felt by Shana’s parents is felt by Shana’s older sister, Rachel. "I mean, I actually know Evan and Jaron personally. But now no one believes me” complains Rachel. “I’m like, hey guys, I went on a Shabbos Walk with Jaron!!! And they’re like, ‘please. Your Shana’s sister! You don’t know Evan and Jaron at all. So just stop pretending.’ It really hurts. She did not consider our feelings when she came forth with this information."

Evan and Jaron were unavailable for comment. But to paraphrase a past album title; Shana, I’m sure they’ve never heard of you, either.

Beastie Boys: Not Vilda Chayas From MTA

BROOKLYN – "I don’t know who these people are but they come over to me all the time asking me I went to M.T.A. What the hell is the M.T.A?" Adam Yauch, also known as MCA, responded online to the multitude of queries involving the Beasite Boys attendance at MTA. MTA, a Jewish High School located in welcoming Washington Heights, has claimed for years that the three Beastie Boys, Adam, Michael Diamond, and Adam Horovitz once were students there.

"The reason you don’t see their pictures in the yearbook is because they were all absent that day," said Yechiel Stein, class of ‘92, "it’s a proven fact that they were all sick when the photographer came to MTA.. " Rumors have flown about for years leading many others to ask the Beastie Boys to come forth with the truth. In fact, if one looks at the FAQ section (Frequently Asked Questions), you will notice that Mr. Yauch is forthright in his declaration: "we could not be clearer about this. I do not know anything about this school MTA, we’ve never eaten at Time Out and I have no clue who Rabbi Finkelstein is." When reached for comment, Mike Diamond (Mike D) said over the phone, that he, in fact, went to public school in Brooklyn. "It’s absurd that I received a Yeshiva education. I mean, it is flattering but it never happened. I could never layn a piece of Gemorah." I asked him how often he’s heard this question asked and he said "too often. More often than I can count!” Contiues Diamond, ”Yo’ check this out. There was that time when we were performing in the Garden and this girl from Central, I think, insisted that I was set up with her on an MTA/Central blind date. I’ve never been on a blind date, ya’all. And that’s fresh." Fresh indeed. When I went to the scene in question, the MTA office of past student records, I found an "Adam Horovitz" on file. I called the Adam Horovitz in question with great anticipation. Perhaps I had solved the growing mystery and urban Orthodox myth. Adam answered the phone and I got straight to the point. "No, I’m not in the Beastie Boys, this is another Adam Horovitz. I’m actually just an accountant. At Deloitte and Touche. Sorry." Sure he was. It was just another way this Brass Monkey was throwing us off track.

But the Beasties have never fully commented on the on the fact their original album had “3MTA3” written clearly across the cover, only responding to this reporter, as they’ve done to many before, abruptly “Eat me backwards!!”

The evidence was definitive. There is a conspiracy to hide their true identities. In an incredible discovery last week, a scratching was found on the wall of a room in the MTA dormitory. "Beastie Boys Rule ’92." Here was the proof we needed that they were indeed students here. You can say it was just all in the writing on the wall.

 

Britney Spears Tops "Hot Shiksa List 2001"

 

NEW YORK – Just released the other day, The Hot Shiksa List Organization (HoSLO) finalized the finalist for Hot Shiksa List 2001. In a press release by HoSLO president, Johnathan Gomberg announced how pleased he was with the quality of Shiksa the list has recently produced. "In past years, we've had Shiksas like Meryl Streep, Goldie Hawn and Melissa Etheridge. I am proud to relay this year’s list including Britney Spears, Gwyneth Paltrow and the Mary Kate and Ashley Olson Twins. This list will not disappoint." When Ms Spears was contacted for comment, she was honored. "I am so proud to be the hottest Shiksa in America today. It is so sweet and like, incredible. Thank you for letting me be a hot shiksa." Other past musicians on the list have included Christina Aguilera. But she did not show up on the list this year. "I think that's obvious," said Gomberg, "she's much too ghetto now. I mean, its one thing to be a shiksa, it's another to be ghetto look, I live in the upper west side, I'm not into Ghettos." The rest of the list can be viewed on www.Shiksa.com.
Ed. Note: Gwyneth Paltrow is indeed Jewish. And yes, there is a G-d)

Diamondbacks Win World Series; No One Cares

ARIZONA – The Arizona Diamondbacks, also know as "that team from Arizona", won the Major League World Series against the New York Yankees. It was a series that brought baseball fans everywhere to the edge of the Emmys.

"I would’ve been super happy if the Yankees had won," said Paul Winkel, an Upper West Sider, "but now that those guys from Arizona won…well… those guys are losers anyway. I mean, who lives in Arizona? Those guys have like dry air and a lot of heat. And can’t you marry your sister there? Legally?"

Many Arizona residents see this victory as a validation in their choice of residence. "Yeah, well, the Jews own Hollywood. Why can’t they just let us have baseball one year?" An anonymous Arizonian said while he was packing his car with groceries with his wife, who happens to also be his sister.

"Those guys are fakers. You know, they’re not Diamondbacks. I’m gonna call them the "Cubic-Zirconium-Backs" because that’s what they are!" said Frankie Linzino, who is known by his friends for making corny jokes like the one on the previous sentence.

The first two games were seized by the Diamondbacks, but then the Yankees came back with a three game victory at home. Most New Yorkers were proud of their Yankees despite losing the last two games miserabley." I mean, it's not like we lost to an expansion team," Dave Rockerwitz had only this to comfort himself. Of course, Dave Rockerwitz is also senile. So with a victory under their belts, the D-backs emerge victorious. But Pheonix itself was quiet after the game was over. When I asked Fred Wallen where the celebrating was he asked me what he was supposed to be celebrating. I responded, why, the victory of your baseball team. "We have a baseball team?" Wallen asked. "I wasn't aware of that."

ADL Proclaims Spell Check as Anti-Semetic

NEW YORK – "Look, at this. You won’t believe this," the startingly true email began, "if you type in the name "Chaim" into Microsoft Word, you will get the red squiggly line under the name. Which means it is spelled wrong. The reality is that it is the right way to spell "Chaim." We cannot stand idly by. We must react to Microsoft Word’s Anti-Semitism."

This email reached Jews all over the world through a successful mass emailing. It was started by Chaim Levine of Brooklyn, New York. "I couldn’t stand constantly seeing that my name is spelled wrong. Who are they to tell me that? I know how to spell my name!" Arye Frankel felt very much the same. "When I saw this email, I knew it was time to react. Not only is my first name supposedly spelled wrong but also so is my last name. This is an atrocity."

The ADL came out with a statement just the other day recognizing the prejudices of Spell Check. "We spoke with them about Word ’94 but the problem had not been resolved with Word ’98. We have to gather together and stand up against Microsoft Word and their anti-Semitic propaganda. In the meantime, we must return to pen and paper. We must show them that we do not need a computer to be lawyers, accountants and financial bankers."

When Microsoft was reached for comment, they denied all accusations. "We never intended for any of this. It’s just coincidental that Spell Check picks up on Jewish names. I am Christian from Newport, Idaho. I have never heard the name "Yankel" or "Fischel. We have a staff of twelve Hasidic Jews working on the new Microsoft Word to include Jewish names like "Heimy", "Shayndel and “Chezkkie”. Thank you for your patience."

But patience is just what we have run out of. "I have written my name over and over again," said an aggrevated Batsheva, " just trying to figure out the right correction. But nothing will appease the Spell Check. I try but it does not stop." Some have adapted their lives to fit in with the guidelines of Spell Check. "For years, I was "Akiva" but now, I must hide my Jewish name and go with "Albert." It is a name I can finally spell correctly." Rabbis everywhere fear this is just the beginning. "I have one of my synagogue members who married a Shiksa because he was so embarrassed by his misspelled name. This could be the cause of the next mass assimilation." Incidentally, Rabbi Max Stern is spelled correctly. He does not suffer like the others.

One would think in America, the land of freedom and opportunity, we would not have to worry about these things. One would think that we would not be shunned for the way we spell our name. Our Jewish name. After all this is America with no red squiggly line underneath. This has been reporting by Arye Dworken, spelled wrong.