The Bangitout.com Purim Shpiel was put on for Purim 2003 in the 34th Street Jewish Center
Performers:  Isaac Galena, Jordan Hiller, Seth Galena, Avi Korn, Joel Orgel and Corey Baker


The Rabbi is wrapping up a speech (speaking like a black politician (maybe Jesse Jackson); And this will be a shul for all people! All nationalities! All creeds! All colors! All races! And all religions!!! Thank you! Thank you!! Bring your check books up here and show your love for Congregation Ahavas Kesef!

Rabbi aside to the President who is poised to receive the checks: you better not turn anyone away. Make sure everyone is happy. By the end of this fundraising event I want to be able to build a new wing with a ball room for bar mitzvahs and weddings?

Pres: To the shul?

Rabbi: Not to my house in the Hamptons. Remember our motto: Show me the Kesef.

Pres: SHOW ME THE KESEF, I got it – I think I can do this!

(enters two men- doctor and guy with black hat)

President: Good afternoon gentleman, I am President Goldberg, You both look like you fit into congregation ahvas kesef beautifully.

Doctor: Let me introduce myself, My name is Dr. Abramowitz, MD, Phd, JD, SWC, MBA, ROTC. I currently am the cheif travasic surgeon in Mount Sinai, Einstien, St. Lukes, Beth Israel and Cornell Medical Center.. And I am looking for a shul that basically is a place where I can meet others of my academic caliber, intellectually and socially. That’s it. No more no less.

President: You my friend, have come to just the place, we at ohav Kesef, have plenty of ….all of that book stuff!  and you? (turning to yeshivish)

Yeshiva Dude:  Me? I just want a place to daven. Daven with kavanah.

President: Not a problem, at Ohav Kesef, You want davening? We've got davening, its our priority. Now before I go any further, I just a have a quick question, do you both have your check books, on hand?

Doctor: Why of course.

Yeshiva: Sure, I have some shoprite dollars as well. BUT before I whip out any kesef for ohav kesef, I need to know something. Its about the Mechitza.: Are you going to raise the mechitzah?

P: Well, tell me, do you want it raised?

Y: Of course I don't want to be able to see a girl when I daven, maybe the rabbi, but I don’t want to see anything else.

P: Not to worry, it will be 12 feet high by September. We plan to raise it an inch every month from now on.

D: Hold on a second, did you just say you're raising the mechitzah?

P:  why, do you want it raised?

D: No – I hate the mechitzahs, can't see anything during davening, how am I supposed to see my beautiful wife!…. and maybe some of her friends too. I need a shul where I can see any women I please.

P: Well, Don't you worry. I said the mechitzah would be razed. R-a-z-ed. Meaning it will be destroyed. That's what I was telling him.

1: No mechitzah!! What type of synagogue is this??

P: NO NO NO, you misunderstood. Of course there will be a mechitzah in the main minyan – You see, I was talking to him about the children's minyan, for chinuch purposes, Now that will be in the back back of the main minyan, off to the side.

1: Good, I would never daven here if women were so close to the men. How would I concentrate?

P: I know – women are distracting. Hard to think about G-d with al his lovely creatures right in front of you. So now all you need to do is make out your checks to…


2: Wait, are you telling me I can't sit with my wife? My wife will not be confined like some leper!! She happens to be a Phd! ….MBA, SVW, JD, She is a very important person!

P: Sure, you, You could sit with your wife. There will be designated section for mixed seating!

1: Mixed seating!!?

P: Oh ofcourse there wont be mixed seating, I meant the seats will be mixed. A mixture of different cultures, ethnicities, diversity!  that's what I meant!  Now lets take out our little checkies check books and make out a check to…

Y: Well, wait a second, what about talking, I cant have a shul where there is any talking.

P: Not a problem, we have absolutely no talking, during any of the davening.

D: Excuse me? Sir, I cannot be part of a shul where there is no talking, how do you expect me to network? in fact I need a shul where there is only talking. I'd rather there be a shul of just talking an no davening! As far as Im concerned, If I dont want to daven, I dont have to

P: No no, Not a problem, we at Ahvas Kesef have a special section in our shul, that actually prohibits davening, its a small section, in the far back that, if anyone is caught davening in, we kick them out of the shul, and ask them to never return.

D: That’s more like it! Now, wait, will the rabbi be speaking on shabbos?

P: Um, well do you want to got a shul where the rabbi speak? I mean ofcourse the rabbi wil speak.

D: What?!  I need a shul that is 1,2,3 lickety split, and your out of there, home for chulent by 11:30.

P: wait, did you mean during services? No,no,no! I thought you meant speaking at all…no, he won't be speaking during services…daven quick and go home – he'll keep his big mouth shut.

Y: Were you just talking that way about the rabbi?

P: G-d forbid. No no on, I was talking about our new no talking policy. I was referring to this new guy, Chuck Hoffberg who is always yapping away while people are davening. We're going to make sure he behaves. That man is a menace.

D. what did you say about chuck hoffberg?

P: That he's –

D: cause thats my brother in law!

P: —that he's probably going to be honored at the shul's annual dinner.

D: why would you honor that jerk?

P: well, we always honor one jerk – to help him get better – and one nice guy and this year the nice guy we are honoring is you.

D: really, even though it's my second week here.

P: yup.

D: and even though I got caught in the girl's bathroom last week.

D: Uh huh. We really loved that. In fact, bathrooms are gonna be co-ed from now on.

Y: Co-ed bathrooms?!, Does it look like i spend my time watchin Alley Mcbeal? What type of Pritzutz is this?

P: oh wait..pardon me..i'm from Canada….what do you mean by bathrooms?…oh no – I don't mean latrines..when I say bathroom, it would be what you refer to as washing stations. Co-ed washing stations.

D: Well, what's the shul's stand on Israel?

P: we…recognize it?

D: "recognize it"! What kind of…Israel is our homeland you…!!

P: hold on a second – (SWITCHES TO KIPPAH SRUGAH) what time is it? Oh my g-d 10:49?! Hold on – I need a minute – (sings hatikvah). Everyday I do that at 10:49…everyday. You were saying?

Y: Uh Excuse me, how could you support anti religious government in Israel?

P: I don't. what, (SWITCHES TO BLACK VELVET) You didn't see me spit on the floor after I finished singing?

Y: no.

P: well, if I forgot. Ptew(spits). This shul does not support that self-hating Jewish government. All our Israeli charities go directly to yeshivas in Israel.

D: Excuse me! this shul supports those lazy yeshiva bums who leech off the country and don't serve in the army?

P: like I was saying, our charities are for the yeshivas to be bribed into kicking students out onto the street where they are forced to join the army because they have no money. It's only $25 a month for each boy or girl thrown out.

D: Do they go to Ivy League Schools?

P: Ofcourse!  Now Gentelman – if you could just take out those fine check books of yours, thats right….Checkings, savings, PIN numbers, just put it all down there.

(Doctor and Yeshivish stand up and take out check books, and start to exit)

Y:  Ok ok, now how often will I get an aliyah?

P:  You? every day. Ofcourse.

D: Will I be honored at the Journal Dinner?

P: sure.

Y: can I address the congregation on yom kippur.

P: I insist.

D: Would you mind if I didnt wear pants to shul?

P: I encourage it!

(Doctor and Yeshivish exit, Rabbi Enters (SLOW)

Rabbi: how'd you do? Can you “Show me the Kesef?!!!”

P:  You bet I can, but uhhh, cash those checks as soon as possible.