The Bangitout.com Purim Shpiel was put on for Purim 2003 in the 34th Street Jewish Center
Performers: Isaac Galena, Jordan Hiller, Seth Galena, Avi Korn, Joel Orgel and Corey Baker
Club Dance Music comes on.
(Three work out extras run on and start doing synchronized jumping jack
or running man. 1&2 in good gym clothes with black velvet yamakas, Shlomie in
full shabbos shirt and shoes)
Narrarator: And Now!, its time, for another half hour with you
favorite exercising host – the man who puts the muscle in melava-malka,
who puts the kick in your kishka, who practically reinvented the term "A
Fleshiga Figure" from Flatbush New York, and three time all-nude
chasidic fasique champion, as well as a finalist in the International
Backhair-Aerobic Challenge. Ladies try and keep your shaitels on, and
lets give a big Manhattan welcome to Brooklyn's favorite yeshivish workout
instructor, Velvel Mugatu Lipshitz!
(Vevel: runs out wearing only Spandex and wool Tzitzis
and headband. Runs around the stage doing absurd muscle flexes and
davening moves. Gay as possible. He comes to the middle of the stage, and
does one very synchronized yeshivish dance move with all three dancers.)
(lower music)
Velvel (very gay) Well Hello You! I'm Velvel Mugatu Lipshitz, and thanks
for joining me on this very special purim edition of Yeshivish-Svelt
Workout. Let me first say happy Purim to all my friends, frayicha purim
you, to some of my personal upper west side friends in the back there, a
faygelah purim! (gay laugh)
Well, do we have a show for you tonight! MM MM MM. Yes we do. Let me hear
you – get laybaDICK!! Good, Well, we all know what its like to sit in
kollel all day and have all that shabbos chulent just call out to us from
your bowels, oy yoh yoh yoh please Velvel please, I beg you, take just a
shabbos walk or something. But we all know that Is BAT-UH-LAH, a very big
waste of learning/davening/watching the Mets, time in this olam a hefuch.
So Today we are gonna learn how some of the things we do everyday in our
Judasim can become sveltkillers and well be able to finally get our vhafig
buns into hot tight shabbos challahs. How does that sound? (cheer)
First lets give a big welcome, two of tonest boys in the yeshivish world
today. From the metzvita spa and workoutkollel in Monsey New York, Mendy
and Mendel!
(they spin around and do a yeshivish dance and flex)
Velvel: Oh, Amain AMAIN!!! You Go Bochrim! Shkoyach on the Koyach! I
like your kavanah, in so many ways. MMMM. And also, today we have, um..
who are you? and how did you get on my yeshivash aerobics show?
Shlomie: Um My name is Shlomie Slipowitz, I won the yeshiva mishmar raffle
for me to be on the show. I thought this was the chabad telethon.
Velvel: Ok then- well we love guests on our show – so why not get into
some shape you'll be proud to walk around the mikvah, right? Try and keep
up shlomie. Lets get started. First off, we're gonna try our Shmone Esrey
steps. Ready everyone? Let's shake it!
(club music starts and two dancers and vevel are in sync)
Lets go: Walks back three steps and up three steps, (claps) and bow. Two
three and bow.
(Shlomie, clueless, starts davening mincha, closing his eyes with kavana.)
(Vevel turns around and sees Shlomie)
Velvel: NO NO NO, (music stops) Shlomie, what are you doing?
Shlomie: What, I thought you said we should daven Shmoneh Esray. And it is
about time for mincha no?
Velvel: No, Shloimi, this is a television show, there can be no practice
of religion, just sex and violence. I'm sorry to all my apikorsim viewers.
Now, look at yourself, your form is completely incorrect, you really need
to pick up your knees when you take your three steps, put a little more
bounce in your step, unless you plan on being extra zhaftig for your
onlysimchas pics, now cmon, lets really get your c'naydelach bouncing! ok?
Shlomie: Cnaydelach? There's soup?
(Music, dancers start dancing again. Seth Clueless looks for which way is
east and starts walking three steps back and forth out of sync.)
Velvel: Ok now were gonna add a little teffillin rapping to it. (starts
rolling his hands) Cmon – all you modernish girls in the back form Hadar are dying to do this one, cmon and rap and roll, and 1,2,3
Shlomie takes off one side of his jacket and starts rolling up his sleaves
Velvel NO NO NO NO What are you doing Shloimie!
Shlomie: teffilin? That's what I heard you say!
Velvel: Bad shloime Bad. And look at your arms are as puny as a treif
lulav, now cmon – put some kavanah into it. How do you ever expect to do
hagbah with those arms?
Shloime: Im really not sure, what you mean, I stay in great shape doing my
own minhagim. And, I can probably out shteig you in workout anyday. We
have a weight room in the basement of our dorms, that has aerobics
pictures of rebbeim
Velvel: Excuse me?
Shloime: I've had enough of your faygelah dances. You don't know the first
thing about yeshivish workouts.
Velvel: Um, Is that a challenge?
Shloime – you bet its is. A Tisch dance off.
Velvel – any day, any time litvachi, you don't stand a chance against me.
Dancer one – I think Shlomie just challenged Velvel to a yeshivish dance
off!
Shloime: You got it Lipshitz. Hit it dj (yiddim music goes on) yiddim
yiddim.
(starts dancing 1985 yidddim and smiliing)
Velvel: nice moves sugar loins -try this on for size – My lighting Shabbos Candles specialty move.
(RELAX music)
(dances – shabbos candles)
Shloime: Try this Kaparos Move on for size.
Velvel: How about my Talmud Torah thumb dance
Shloime: NO sweat.
(Both start doing thumb move faster and faster)
Velvel. One more – my specialty….
Dancer – Hes not gonna try the African Hagbah and Galilah Sephardi Tachnun
Yomkippur Alaynu move, is he?
Dancer – That's impossible. He is!
Both of them start doing the same dance from "Cant buy me love!"
Velvel Trips – stops from exhaustion.
Dancer – Our master has fallen!!!
Velvel: Wow kid, you are good. There has always been strife between the yeshivhish world and the yeshivish workout world and this has bridged that gap
Shloime: I didnt know there was a yeshivish workout world
You have rhythm, You must be Sephardic. Would you like to be a dancer our our show? We have an open spot.
Shloime: I think I will stay in real estate
Velvel: He Said Yes! (Jumps in Shlomie's arms)
Narrator: Join us next time special on assignment episode- live from the
mikvah! For Synchronized Tovaling aerobics. With Vevel. Shalom!
(music: RELAX -)