The Bangitout.com Purim Shpiel was put on for Purim 2003 in the 34th Street Jewish Center
Performers:
Isaac Galena, Jordan Hiller, Seth Galena, Avi Korn, Joel Orgel and Corey Baker
Four Chairs set up, Butler enters and introduces each of them.
As they come out – they must do a dance.
Butler: Welcome back to another episode of Yossi the Accountant! We started with We bring 20 single women, brought them to a bungalow in the Catskills and we had them compete with each other to win Yosef’s hand in marriage. During the competition, they have all taken turns going on dates with our accountant in the Woodbourne region
But NOW we are down to 4 girls all of them vying to be Ms.Yosef Accountant, the short balding fat Jewish hocker, who claims to be an accountant from the 5 towns, when really he never passed his CPA and is actually a full time hocker in Brooklyn- This has been the highest rated show among Jews since “Onlysimchas the Musical” was re-released.
Lets take a second and meet our charming finalists and what they had to say about last episode
Please welcome, from Woodmere New York, a speech pathologist – Malkie!
(Malkie enters total JAP walk, playing with her hair- dances around)
Malkie : Hi my name is Malkie! I really can’t believe Yossi chose to go on a third date with Tania, I mean she's just ugh! And she wears pants. She never went to two years Israel, besides she doesn’t even live in the 5 towns! I heard her parents keep triangle K in the house. I really have no idea what he sees in her! Do you?"
Butler: Thank you malkie, so full of chesed you are, how delightful…Now give a round of applause to our next contestant – coming from Teaneck New Jersey, working hard on her associates degree in nail scientology, she enjoys nothing better than spending hours on onlysimchas, and baking potato kugel…as a snack. welcome Tania!
(enters Tania –fat – has a kosher delight chicken bucket)
Tania: "To tell you the truth, there's something about Yossi's balding head and double chin that makes me just want to put on a shabbos suit, take onlysimchas pictures, and call Marina Del Rey. I like Yossi. And not just because he’s an accountant. Ooo and the way he sucks down his sushi with his hairy stuby fingers YUMMY, i mean its completely unattractive, but it just makes me want to scream CHOOSE ME IM YOUR BASHERT Damit! Im your Bashert! Speaking of which, I could really go for some sushi right now… (PHONE) Wait that's my cell phone hold on….Shiffy, What's doing? I got to call you back, where are you? Did you order yet? I’ll be right there." Anyway, I really think we hit it off. I knew it was perfect when the awkward silence lasted only about 8 or 9 minutes, with most guys its closer to 12 minutes. This is the guy for me.
Butler: Lovely Tania, by the looks of her she is just full of soo sooo much hishtadlus and bitachone. Wasn’t she? Our next finalist comes from Brooklyn New York, she spends her mornings daveing, afternoons davening, and late nights davening, in fact this is her first time in Manhattan. Give it up for Hindy!
(hindy enters doing selichos and davening aloud, then falls to the floor in prayer)
Hindy:. Really, I think Yossi is gonna choose me, I mean I do wear stockings all the time 24/7. You cant just buy stockings with seams this thick. I’m makpid on gebructs even on fast days, and I say tehillim 5 times before I watch my nightly videos of the rebbi, I don't ever speak loshon horah ever!, not like that Malkie girl! In fact i generally try not to speak at all, on dates, or ever, really this is my first time vocalizing words in 6 months, its making me feel a bit..tumay. Will you excuse me while I call my rebbi, to ask for forgiveness in case I may have looked at Yossi in the wrong way."
Butler – Such beautiful tefilot from such a well cultured woman, now lets finally meet America’s favorite accountant Yossi!
(Fat as hell wearing a Dougies bib and carries a calculator)
Butler – Well, sir Yossi you certainly have your work cut out for you tonight,
Yossi: I sure do boss. I haven’t seen this much beauty in one room, well since, I was on Yeshivish Am I Hot or Not! Or since I was in the JCC locker room when I was 7.
Butler: They are all just so beautiful and so perfect, but remember you want the girl who will love you because of you. Not because of your Debits and Credits knowledge
Yossi: (looks to choose, walks around slowly looking at each of them) I cant decide – they are all just soo beautiful in each their own way!
Butler: Who will it be? Lets ask the crowd shall we? By Round of Applause….
Will it be – Malkie? Lets hear it for Malkie!
(Goes to each of them and asks for the crowd to cheer for which one they like)
(Malkie stands up)
Malkie – Choose me Yossi, and let us get a house right next to my parents so they can babysit the kids on motzei shabbos!
Butler: Tania!
(Tania stands up)
Tania – Oh, you are so cute, and Oh the way you figure out how much tip we can get away with, just makes me want to die!
Butler: Or Hindi!
(Hindi Stands up)
Hindi: Please Hashem, I am just asking for this one thing!!!! PLEASE JUST THIS! well this and the three hundred little notes I put in the kotel last month, but that’s it! (starts davening)
Butler: Well, who will it be?
Malkie – You should totally pick me – I have a great personality and I look amazing in a fall!!
Tani – My father has an Food Chain of Kosherglatt across the tri brooklyn area, I'm sure he’ll need an accountant! Or atleast someone overweight!
Hindi – Me! Choose Me! Mrs. Yossel Berkowitz. Hinda Zlaty Berkowitz, Hindel Z. Berkowitz, it just sounds so natural! OD YISHAMA, NIGH NIGH NIGH
Yossi: I cant take it anymore, this is too much for me, Ladies, I must confess, I AM NOT AN ACCOUNTANT!!! It was all just a lie, for you to fall in love with me!
(Girls SHOCKED)
Malki – what does this mean? That you lied to us all this time?
Hindy – Shakrun! I cant date a shcutz who doesn’t have his CPA, how do you think well ever own a bungalow???
Yossi: What about you Tania? You said it doesn’t matter if I’m an accountant, as long as I am overweight, and Balding right? I choose you!
Tania: What are you crazy? Le Marais isn’t cheap. Besides, you totally lost your appeal without those three special letters at the end of your name…BBQ.. I mean CPA.
Butler: I’m sorry Yossi. It looks like accountants are the only ones good Jewish girls go for nowadays. You know what they say: Once girls go tax, there’s no going back!
Yossi: NO NO NO this is horrible, there must be one of you who wants me as a choson? Right!
(girls not interested)
Yossi: I guess I’ll have to start spending my nights volunteering for (tears off shirt) Hatzalah!!!!!… (tears off jacket to reveal walkie talkie)
Girls: Wait! Did you just say Hatzalah?!?! The more you break Shabbos, the bigger the tzaddik people think you are! {Screaming and chasing after him}
Butler – Well Yossi certainly has his “Hands” Full. Another happy ending.
Join us for Next week, for our newest segment of Joe Millionaire ripoffs, with our newest “Chani, My Father is in Diamonds!” Tata!