Kiruv Crashers
Written for the Jewish Center Purim Shpiel 2007
 
 
Shmu – Babaganoush is back!
 
Moshe: (Slams door, looks depressed) how awkward a date was that. I can’t even decide what coffee I want, and she is asking me about day schools for our kids. 'Do I want to marry a girl who wears pants or who doesn’t wear pants, will she cover her hair or wont she cover her hair. It's our first date! Are their any normal Jewish girls out there? They're either too frum or uptight or too frum and uptight. I need someone cool, someone chill someone….
 
Shmu: Less Religious?
 
Moshe: More like not religious…. at all. Someone whose never heard of the word 'shidddddUCH' or "shhomer"
 
Shmu: Yes exactly….girls that no nothing of being judgmental or tznius or bair yakov or rules, and are open
minded so much so they'd be aroused by even the thought of religion and spirituality… they'll be begging for guys like us.  
 
Moshe: If only we knew of a place in Manhattan where non-religious girls go for a jewish experience, and where we could possibly….invite ourselves… dare I say 'crash' these events.
 
Shmu: Like a Manhattan Jewish experience.
 
Turn to each other….
 
Shmu: You thinking what I'm thinking? …. nodding
 
TOGETHER: Its KIRUV Season!
 
Music starts playing as they try on non-frum clothing transforming (jeans, maybe a gangsta look, etc) from their Jewish outfits into their non-religious outfits etc. and get ready for their first event
 
(Sign: Kiruv Crashers)
 
 
 
 
 
 
CUT TO MJE Judaism 101 Event Desk
 
Shmu: this is gonna be gevalt!
 
Moshe: Rule #3 of kiruv crashing: no use of frum Yiddish or hebrew words!
 
Shmu: Oh Right.   Unless…
 
Together verbatim: Unless citing you're 'holocaust surviving bubbe' or drastically mispronouncing the word to the extent that it sounds like you are a complete BT
 
Moshe: Good. Let’s practice
 
Shmu:   ok
 
Moshe: (fast) Yoym Kipper
 
Shmu:     (slow)Yahhm Kipoooor
 
Moshe:   Challah
 
Shmu:    (slow) Halla Bread
 
Moshe: Kabbuluh
 
Shmu:   (dramatic) KAH-BAH-LAAAAAA
 
(Hot girl walks bye – both stare )
 
Moshe:   Tzittiz
 
Shmu:   Tits Tits…
 
Moshe: (interrupts) OH-KEY DOKEY good man, seems like you’ve been practicing on the offseason.
 
Moshe: So what is out back story…?
 
Shu: Good question, I like where you mind is. We are brothers from Alabama
 
Moshe: Alabama, too goyish — they’ll never buy it, come on babaganoush
 
Shmu: Ok how bout from Connecticuit, who own an import export wholesale Jewelery company.
 
Moshe: Import/Export? They'll smell frum a mile away with that. More wholesome, less hocker.
 
Shmu: social workers?
 
Moshe: What did you goto Stern? (pause for oooo) Ok, we work in 'finance' at Lehman Brothers. I'm Jonathan Spielberg and your my cousin Seth Cohen.
 
Shmu: Done. Wait hold up (change their yarmulkes to white silk yarmulkes)
 
Moshe: (mumbles) Let me do the talking….(speaking in a formal manner) Well Shaaalom Kind sir, what a beautiful temple you have here, my friend and I are here for the Jewish spirituality 101 Kab-Bah-Lah class and cocktails.
 
MJE Doorman: Huh, wait you look familiar haven’t I seen you guys at the Young Professionals minyan.
 
Moshe: You mean the group of snazzy young jaded people praying in the basketball gym? No, we don't pray unless it's YAHM KIPPOOR.  
 
MJE Doorman: How’d you know it was in a gym?
 
Moshe: Oh um we heard about that at that last Tubishvat Shofar Tashlich Cocktail event.
 
MJE doorman: Uhh Ok (walks away)
 
Moshe: How many times you gonna do this bs? Rule #32: never commit to knowing the about an minyan unless you're absolutely positive it’ll make you sound completely religious airhead
Shmu:  Rule #16: give me an up-to-date MJE history, that was your mistake, you just made me look like an idiot.
Moshe: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!
 
Shmu: You better lock it up.
 
Moshe: No You lock it up!

Shmu: You lock it up!

Moshe: You lock it up!   Its showtime.
 
Shmu: Never walk away from a fellow crasher wearing a silky kippah! Rule #115!
 
Doors open to a load of girls. Shmu and moshe scan the crowd and pick up tallis and wear them like scarfs, and ask if anyone knows the page… girls immediately come over and they both smile whichlead into the song "Shout" as they run around doing jewish things… which stops every so often for lines on girls like:
 
Moshe: I never was bar mitzahed….. girls swoon Music: Shout
Shmu: The way I found out I was Jewish was through my circumcision…..he lifts the torah, almost dropping it Music: Shout
Moshe: Yes, Seth Cohen, Ezra Cohen which ever cohen you want me to be…..girls swoon as he puts on tefillin wrong Music: Shout
Shmu: You are the greatest tzedakahs i could ever give…girls swoon as he davens the wrong way Music: Shout
Moshe: If only I could afford to goto Israel….girls swoon Music: Shout
Moshe: We lost a lot of good men out there…. Girl: in Yeshiva? Moshe: The Yetzer Harah took so many off the derech girls swoon Music: Shout
Shmu: I never had a family but I consider everyone of you in this room my mishpaka Music: Shout
 
Music: Shout shout shout shout shout!
 
Scene ends
————–
 
Shmu: Man, that was a good ride. Hell of a Season!
Moshe: Hell of a season. So many good kiruv crashes, Aish, Ohr Sameach, Isralight, JCC Swimming on Shavous night…and we rocked them all.
Shmu: Do you think we are being, I don't want to say sleazy, cause that's not the right word, 'irresponsible' with these kiruv events? I mean we are frum and we are barely keeping kosher these days. Maybe we should give this up and go back down to the young professionals minyan where we belong.
Moshe: Are you nuts? We finally are meeting cool Jewish chicks that listen to our every word and actually like us! We are gods in their mind the second we mention 'doing teshuva'. When we are married we will both look back at these times and say Oh the good Upper West Side kiruv days.
 
Shmu: I guess you’ve got a point
Moshe: Oh – babaganoush. you’re not gonna believe this, the biggest event of the year: "MJE/Jewish Center Gala Dinner!"
Shmu: I don't know…
Moshe: what! I need your head in the game, we can allow for no errors with this one. MJEers with those Jewish Center clergy can spot a FFB at a kiruv event in a flash.
Shmu: Isnt kiruv season over? I was thinking about taking a break from being a baal teshuva
MOshe: What are you talking about. MJE Gala Dinner is the Siyum Hashas of Kiruv Events. Its going to be packed with baal teshuva girls looking for someone who wants to bring them back to their jewish roots
Shmu: hmmmm….ok one last crash.
Moshe: Pick you up at 7pm. It's showtime…. or shall I say teshuva-time
 
CUT TO GALA DINNER
 
 
———–

CUT TO GALA DINNER

 
Moshe and Shmu enter in tuxedos.
 
Moshe: Hello, my name is JJ Schacter and this is my friend Norman Lamm. We have standing reservations.
 
Doorman: wow (taken aback) rabbis it is my honor. I didnt imagine you to be sooo….young. (does her makeup fixes her hair)
 
(shmu and moshe enter)
 
Shmu: (whispers) Rule #7 of Kiruv Crashing don't use famous Jewish names.
 
Moshe: Don’t give me that, You used the name Ari Berman last week! Heck you even spoke at that event and wore a top hat
 
Shmu: dibbs on the girl in the blue.
 
Moshe: She is all yours, my friend. Let’s bring some ladies back to the fold…
 
Shmu: What’s your angle?
 
Moshe: Been backpacking for the past 5 years and ended up putting teffilin on at the kotel with the Jewish Center
Mission. How bout you?
Shmu: I'm going with the young millionaire who is looking for meaning in life after he found out his grandfather was a great rabbi.
 
Moshe: Well hello ladies, do you know if there is going to be a kabbalah prayer service before the dinner? My friend and I didn’t get to do our daily hospital visits and we need some place to do kind deeds for others
 
Braka: whisper these guys look cute but familiar…
 
Miriam: Hi, I'm Miriam Esther and this is Braka Leah Sarah Malka (formerly Brenda and Donna). It’s nice to meet some new faces and nedw neshamas like oursleves. Your neshamas are visible from outside your clothings. I can feel the spirituality oozing from you. 
 
Moshe: I'd like feel some of your – cut off
 
Shmu: Ruchniness that you two seem to have. Would you like to study some words of the torah while we goto the sushi bar? How bout some saki?
 
Moshe: (mumbles) Shikur is the Ikur
 
Braka: What did you just say? (Thinking he said something too frum to be a baal teshuva)
 
Shmu: he said: What bracha do you make on Sushi…he likes your name braka
 
Shmu and Miriam hit it off and are flirting like crazy at the sushi bar.
 
Front Desk Girl: Oh Rabbbbis! there you are! Rabbis come and meet the Sanford Lourie Scholars..they have been looking all over for you (sanford lourie scholars look confused as Rabbis Lamm and Schacter do not match their photos on the wall.
 
Moshe: Oy veh….
 
Miriam: Rabbis?
 
Shmu: Listen, there is something I have to tell you. I’m not a rabbi, but I'm not exactly who I say I am.
 
Everyone: Who are you? And don’t say Rabbi Yossie Levine (looks at photos on wall)
 
Shmu: ah fine, my friend and I crash kiruv events in hopes of meeting non-observant women. 
 
Moshe: Your giving up our shpeil! #1 Rule of Kiruv Crashing: Never give up our shpeil especially during a purim shpeil!
 
Braka: Kiruv Crashing! You lied about being a baal teshuva! How sick are you! Wait….how sick are you… (more seductive) 
 
Miriam: Really!
 
Shmu: Wait, I know I wasn't honest but we've done a lot of good in our travails, and I know this sounds cheesy but I actually for the first time in my life felt a real connection between you and I.
 
Braka: Oh Dayenu. This guys a mamesh hocker.
 
Moshe: Wait, what was that bissle Yiddish you just said fair maidel bracha!

Miriam: grrrr Braka you blew it again. Well I should be honest with you, we arent baal teshuvas either….This is Sarah and I'm Rachel. We live on 87th St. goto OZ at night, and JC during the day, order Gan Asia all week
 
Shmu: REALLY!!!! So we all are kiruv crashing and finally we’ve met people just like us!
 
Moshe: Man I love crazy wacky chicks like us. Lets crash some kiddushes together! How bout Bar mitzvah crashing? Who will we be…..
 
Shmu to Miriam: Care to crash the Young Leadership dinner this shabbos? Or a bangitout party? Ora Shiva! How bout a purim shpeil at the Jewish center…we can pretend not to get any of the jokess…
 
THE END