Once upon a time, the richest man in Chelm decided that he wanted to be mayor of the town, just like his tatte had once been.  The people gathered in the beis medrash and held an election, and the richest man came in second.  This confused the townspeople, so they went to the Beis Din of Chelm and asked a shayla.  The Av Beis Din, Reb Rehnkvist, the wisest man in all of Chelm, announced the p’sak of the tribunal: “According to the ancient takkanos of Chelm, which we have just written, he who comes in second wins the election.”  So the richest man in town rejoiced, handing every member of the Beis Din a golden ruble for their trouble, and took his office as mayor.

 

   The next day, the new mayor was looking for something to do, so he sought advice from his council of Chachomim.  “I think you should invade Yehupetz,” said the mayor’s trusted adviser, Gabbai Sheney.  “Why Yehupetz?” asked Chana-Leezzel, the mayor’s clever daughter.  “Yehupetz is a town full of ferd-ganovim,” explained Gabbai Sheney.  “They came and stole all of our horses.”

 

   “But wasn’t it Reb Naftoli, the Hungarian ferd-ganeff, and his band of trombeniks who stole our horses?” objected Chana-Leezzel.  “And isn’t he hiding out in Hotzeplotz?  Why don’t we invade Hotzeplotz?”

 

   “Nevertheless, Reb Mayor, we must invade Yehupetz.  The mayor of Yehupetz is a no-account paskudnyak.  Don’t you remember how mean he was to your dear tatte when your dear tatte was mayor of Chelm?”

 

   “Right as usual, Gabbai Sheney,” exclaimed the mayor.  “We invade Yehupetz tomorrow!”

 

   “But wait,” cautioned the clever Chana-Leezzel.  “Wouldn’t we be stirring up a terrible balagan?  Isn’t Yehupetz bitterly divided between the Misnagdim and the Chassidim, and aren’t the town’s Chassidim further bitterly divided between the Amshinovers and the Rogatchovers?”

 

   “Enough of your narrishkeit,” thundered Gabbai Sheney.  “All the townspeople of Yehupetz will arise as one and greet us gratefully with schnapps and pickled herring.”

 

   “Your logic is flawless,” conceded Chana-Leezzel at last.  “Chelm is blessed to have a chochem such as you advising our mayor.  On with the invasion!”

 

   Next installment: Trouble in Yehupetz.