The Official Modern Orthodox Quiz

1. Your summer law job takes you out to eat at a non-kosher sushi restararant. You?
a. Whip out the Cutco you carry around for emergencies like this.
b. You have absolutely no problem eating sushi out. As long as they swear up
and down that they keep separate knives for fish and seafood and that
they never, ever heat anything up it's okay with you.
c. You indulge in the crab.

2. You're engaged (finally) and your mother-in-law from Woodmere offers to buy you a custom sheitel. At your first fitting you decide:
a. Covering you hair just isn't for you.
b. You pick the kippah fall because, hey the point isn't to cover your hair,
it's to just talk about how much you spent on it.
c. You go for the full sheitel with fake part- it should look as attractive as possible so no one will know you're married.

3. When asked where it's most important for you to live you say:
a. Woodmere.
b. Teaneck.
c. Bait Shemesh or out of town.

4. When asked what this week's sign of the apocalypse is you reply:
a. The New JCC on the Upper West Side.
b. Onlysimchas.com
c. Vegetarian cholent.

5. Your girlfriend who you love dearly, until the next time she brings up marriage, left her crockpot on high when it should have been turned down to low. You:
a. Turn it with a shinui—your left hand.
b. Open the crockpot and add more water.
c. Watch it burn and spend 25 extra minutes outside of the Jewish Center waiting for a lunch invite.

6. You've been dating this guy for two months and he invites you to his house for shavuout which also happens to be a 3 day yomtov. There is a bathroom attached to your room. You:
a. shower using a thick terrycloth robe and liquid soap. Otherwise you'll feel gross and that would diminish your simcha on the chag…and doesn't it say “v'smachta b'chagecha?”
b. You go to the Nevele for the weekend hoping to meet another guy.
c. You blowdry your hair for 2 hours before chag starts and then wear it in a ponytail the entire time.

7. Make-up on Shabbat:
a. assur
b. blush powder
c. red vamp lipstick

8. You're out on a date with a really hot girl. She asks you if you're kovei ittim. You respond:
a. I learn at OZ every Tuesday night.
b. I go to daf yomi everyday at 6am.
c. Isn't that what the 3 prekim of shema are for?

9. At a recent Shabbat lunch some of the girls break out into zmirot. You:
a. Innocently look around and ask where the bathroom is so you can get some cotton to stuff your ears.
b. You join them so there's a male voice blending with theirs.
c. You sit back, listen and try to imagine them dressed as the Spice Girls. But sluttier.

10. Your office has a supply store that has the really good pens. You:
a. Take some in your purse/bookbag for “emergency situations.”
b. Grab a whole box and sell them to your friends.
c. Only use them for work related issues.

11. There's a tzedaka drive for Israel at OZ. You:
a. give $50 now and then whenever you're really hoping a date will turn out well.
b. donate 10% of your paycheck every month.
c. drop spare change in the box on the rare occasion you're actually inside OZ.

12. KOE is having the woman's tfillah group this Shabbat. You:
a. get to shul right on time in order to be asked for an aliyah.
b. skip it. There are no hot guys to look at over the mechitzah.
c. skip it. KOE is so over.

13. Some friends of yours want to go to Vegas for a little trip. You:
a. agree on the condition there are no visits to strip clubs.
b. ask to stay over during Shabbat.
c. go but wear a baseball hat all the time and never ever look up.

14. Ta'anit Esther:
a. fast until chazot.
b. fast for three days to be like Esther.
c. what the heck is a Taanit?

15. Yom Kippur:
a. You are in shul all day on your feet.
b. You make it for mussaf and then go home with a headache the rest of the day.
c. the tunes of Kol Nidre ain't bad- hey it's tradition.

16. Sfirat Haomer means:
a. no movies, no music, no fun.
b. counting the omer.
c. beats the hell out of me.

17. In shul the Rabbi quotes a pasuk in English. You say:
a. Hey isn't that from a Creed song?
b. Isiah 25:13.
c. How come he didn't say it in Hebrew?

18. Your boss invites you to her Christmas party. You:
a. Think: “Yeah baby! Free Wasp alcohol.”
b. Politely decline because you have a family death way in advance.
c. Stop by for an hour and leave early because you have that big project at work.

19. Someone compliments you on your new dishes and asks how you found tovelling kailim in the mikveh. You respond:
a. Oh, I only tovel glass and metal.
b. It was a really difficult shlep. I needed all 3 roomates to help me.
c. Ah heck, I used my bathtub.

20. In your opinion there are 3 kinds of Jews. They are:
a. Jews that drive on Shabbat, Jews that don't drive on Shabbat and Lubavitch.
b. Ivy League, YU, Tuero.
c. frum, not so frum, Brooklyners.

21. When someone at work asks you about your belief system you respond:
a. Ideologically repressive.
b. Jewish.
c. I'm orthodox, but not like the Hassiddim you see on T.V.

Score Now!

1. a- 1, b- 2, c- 3
2. a-3, b-2, c-1
3. a-3, b-2, a-1
4. a- 1, b- 2, c-3
5. a-2, b-3, c-1
6. a-2, b-3, c-1
7. a-1, b-2, c-3
8. a-2, b-1, c-3
9. a- 1, b- 2, c- 3
10. a- 2, b-3, c-1
11. a-2, b-3, c- 1
12. a-1, b-2, c-3
13. a- 1, b-3, c-2
14. a-2, b-1, c-3
15. a-1, b-2, c-3
16. a-1, b-2, c-3
17. a-2, b-1, c-2
18. a-3, b-1, c-2
19. a-2, b-1, c-3
20. a-3, b-2, c-1
21. a-2, b-3, c-1

If you scored:

(21- 35) Hey you're uneducated and frum. Enjoy life- you have it easy.

(36-50) You do the best you can to be halachic. You're doomed to a life of struggle.

(50-63) You could care less about halacha! How'd you get so lucky?