Aside from educational reform, US Jewish educators and administrators have been at war this year dealing with probably the single fastest growing epidemic among American Jewish youth today, Obesity. 

Jewish kids are fat. It is no surprise; the Jewish culture has always prided itself on its food. At any Jewish occasion, good or bad, our tradition has always found a way to throw a Kiddush, pull out a deluxe white fish spread, and provide some fattening nosh to nosh on. The last time I attended a bris, the only thing I hoped to see get cut was my bagel.

But historically, it has been encouraged. 

Our Talmud describes the sage Rabbi Yochanan as "beautiful" because of his XL hefty size. So if we have the tradition, the mesora, and the savory kugel to do so, who really is to say that our Jewish children shouldn't be large? If "big is beautiful," who is to say that kids today, should not spend equally if not more time at the deli than in the classroom?? I am. 

Obese kids will suffer. If not from developing one of hundred medical conditions associated with obesity, pain will inevitably come socially from the countless jokes lobbed at them by the wise cracking schoolmates, which according to the most recent misplaced UJC survey, makes up 99% of Jewish student bodies today. 

However before we start scheduling hundreds of emergency national conferences on the matter, community leaders and administrators may rest assured. I, having given much thought to this topic while methodically spacing out during haftorah, have come up with a few tips the Jewish school systems can adopt to make slimming down as easy for kids as falling in love with their hot gentile english teacher…

1.Cancel Chanukah or at least stick to candles: The excessive amount of oil, latkes and doughnuts consumed by our kids would lead people believe that the amount of gifts received is based on the amount of calories consumed. The best move would be to focus on the military victory and cancel the oil bit. While we are at it, lets cancel Shavuot's cheesecake, Shabbos' chulent and any fatty dessert with the seal of "Kosher for Passover," which, now a days, should be translated as: "made last year."

 2. Move farther away from Synagogues: If you live within a mile or so of any synagogue, move. Find a nice far out waspy area in the middle of nowhere and settle down. This will not only encourage our kids to walk farther and exercise more on their way to shul, but it will also give them an incentive not to run home after screwing up on Anim Zemirot. 

3. Change the Jewish Measurement system: According to our Jewish Law Code, the standards of calculating solid and liquid volumes are based on the following: Olives (kizayit), Eggs (baytszim) and Cheekfuls (lug). That's like calling the 12 step program, the 12-shot program at an AA meeting. Remember, out of sight, out of mind. So let's come up with some less appetizing measurement standard titles; I suggest gefilte fish jelly and borsht.

4. How many slices of pizza do you wash on?  How did this question somehow become the "Why do bad things happen to good people?" of our youth's generation?  It seems every Jewish orthodox kid asks this one, as if this was the one thing the Angel inside the womb forgot to delete when clearing out our newborn child's harddrive.  Sages must have gotten together and figured out a way to ingrain this innocuous halachic argument, whether wash on 2 or on 3 slices of pizza, into the minds of every little boy and girl on the Jewish planet.  Not that I have a problem with that, I just think if they were gonna instill one major religious Jewish law, it probably shouldn't involve anchovies.  But I'm glad they did, that way I can tell you now once and for all: When it comes to pizza: wash even on two slices. Yup, that means if you are choosing between ordering one slice or two slices: go with one. Why?  Cause we all know washing is just a pain and let's face it, you don't know benching by heart anymore anyway. 

5. Add more lard: Let's give a call to M&M's, Drakes and Entenmann's to add some good old fashioned lard to their products. This should cancel their Kosher sign of approval, at least until they can hire a cheaper rabbi. In the meantime, we can spend a good few weeks educating on the importance of keeping Kosher, and before you know it our kids will be slimmer, healthier and stronger to stand up to their classmates who will ultimately call them "puny little pipsqueaks."