9. The Brovender's Daughter just home for Pesach, ready to prove she's smarter than all 4 sons put together
8. The Alcoholic Son, "Can we get a little more wine in this Charoset please?"
7. The "Watching TV during the 2nd Seder" Son, who just announced he is making aliyah (after learning the NHL playoffs conflict)
6. The Moshav Granola Son, who finds the murdering of innocent parsley stalks offensive
5. The "Scummy" Son, who is so bad that yeshivish girls can't help but find him attractive
4. The "Fallen off the face of the Planet" Son, nobody knows where he has been but always shows up for the holidays with new facial hair
3. The Feminine Son, who asks "Does anyone mind if I sing Mah Nishtana to the tune of Rent?" (Why is my son different from all other sons?)
2. The "I love long D'var Torahs so that I can brag to my friends how late my seder went" Son
1. The Miami Beach Sun